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Fiza always knew that, no matter how many birth children she had, she wanted to take care of other children too. She is Muslim and explained that, in her religion, the emphasis is on sharing your good fortune – whether that is home, family or love.
Difficult childhood
Fiza grew up in very difficult circumstances in her native Pakistan. She witnessed domestic violence from a young age and, when her beloved mother died of cancer, Fiza and her five siblings were forced to fend for themselves. Fiza was just 16.
Fiza said: “No one was there to help us and we were in desperate need of help. I knew from that point that I wanted to be the person to open their door to children and offer help. It was my dream to support children like us who had nowhere to go. Fostering didn’t exist where I come from, so I’d always thought I would adopt.”
In 2012, Fiza and her husband moved to the UK with their two young children. Two years later, they moved to Berkshire. By then they were a family of five with three children, the youngest of whom was two. Fiza said: “My husband is my support system, he’s like my seatbelt. We love our children so much but he knew my background and how much I wanted to support children with a childhood like mine.”
Supporting children in need
A neighbour told them about Next Step Fostering, an independent fostering agency that is part of National Fostering Group. Fiza was unfamiliar with the concept of fostering, but the idea of supporting not just one child in need but many was hugely appealing so the family made the decision to foster rather than adopt.
Fiza explained:
“Where I come from in Pakistan we don’t have fostering so I was new to the whole idea and what it was all about. We were assigned a social worker who did the assessment process with us. She came once or twice a week and asked all about our childhoods and our relationships and stuff like that. We were approved as a fostering family in Summer 2014.”
A breath of fresh air
Their first foster child was a 17-year old young offender who had been refused by six other fostering families. Fiza said:
“It was quite scary, we didn’t know whether to take him or not. We were not a match for him culturally or religiously and he was uncomfortable with the idea of coming to a Muslim family. He told me later that he felt he’d rather stay in prison than come to us, he thought I’d be dressed from head to toe in black. But he came and it was like a breath of fresh air. Our children loved him and we changed his whole perspective of what Muslim families are like. He stayed with us for five months. When he went back to his family we were all crying and, after a few minutes, he came back to us for a final hug and said he’d never forget us.”
Fiza speaks Pashtun and the family has cared for several young asylum seekers from Afghanistan. During lockdown, they cared for a young Muslim boy who was questioning his sexuality and religion. He came from a very conservative family, which led to him being taken into care. By allowing him to express himself while maintaining his connection to God, the boy was able to stabilise and return to his birth family.
Challenging
One of the most challenging parts of fostering for Fiza was saying goodbye to a baby who’d come to her at three days’ old. The baby – a girl – was with them for eight months. Fiza said:
“It was the hardest thing, I loved her so much. But she’s gone back to her birth family and they send me photos of her… crawling and walking. They were so appreciative of everything we did and said we gave their child the best start in life. We still miss her but we have amazing memories and she’s back where she belongs.”
Fiza’s advice to foster carers and would-be foster carers who want to look after babies is only to do it if you’re mentally prepared to let them go. “I know I could have done it better, I got too connected emotionally. You need to be able to protect yourself and be realistic. The child doesn’t belong to you and is only with you for the time being. You have to be open-hearted but also able to say goodbye without it leaving a huge hole in your heart. I recognise that I probably need to do more training around this.”
Supporting would-be foster carers
Fiza is a huge fan of learning and has fully embraced the wide range of training courses on offer with Next Step Fostering. As a new foster carer she’d have liked to have experienced foster carers to speak to, so now she is an experienced carer herself she has started offering sessions to aspiring and newly-qualified foster carers.
“I’m there to answer their questions and give a realistic perspective on fostering,” said Fiza. “Fostering makes you stronger but there are challenges; having a stranger in your house is challenging. I don’t want to put people off but I want them to go into it with their eyes open.”
Resilience, patience and a willingness to learn
She believes that to become a foster carer you need a passion to help fill the gaps in a child’s life and the desire to share your love and warmth. She advised:
“Don’t take anything personally. It is their life and their trauma and if you take things personally it will have a negative impact on your relationship. The first year is probably the toughest. If you can stay strong and face the challenges that come up you are probably made to be a foster carer. Resilience, patience and a willingness to learn from whatever you are faced with… all of these qualities help to make you a good foster carer.”
