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Alan had always worked in the corporate world but by his late 30s, he began yearning to do something different with his life.
Good with kids
He said: “I was earning good money and had job security and nice holidays, but I needed a change, to do something more meaningful with my life, so I began asking myself ‘What am I good at?’ I’d always loved kids, maybe because I had a bit of a difficult upbringing so I can relate to them and seem to bring out the best in them. My wife has children from a previous relationship, but I don’t have any of my own.
“My brother-in-law is a foster carer with Fostering Solutions. We went on holiday with him and his two foster children. The children didn’t really engage with anyone much, but I got chatting to them and slowly they began opening up to me. He told me that was the first time they’d done that with anyone. This experience planted a seed.”
Alan spoke to his wife, about becoming a foster carer. At first, she was a bit apprehensive and other family members were also unsure. They had quite negative perceptions about fostering. However, after a good initial meeting with Fostering Solutions, part of National Fostering Group. Alan decided to apply and was approved within a few months. That was 10 years ago.
Start of the journey
Their first foster child was a 15-year-old girl who had elected to go into care. She remained with them for years and is now grown up with children of her own but still very much part of the family. She was joined after a year by a second foster child – a boy of 11.
Turned things around
Alan said:
“He’d come from a very bad situation and, on the face of it, everything was against him. He’d been in care since the age of three, his previous placement had broken down and the report we were given before he came didn’t make great reading. But we thought ‘Let’s give it a try’. We could see early on that what he really wanted was affection. He asked if he could call us Mum and Dad. We said ‘If you want to’, we didn’t make a big thing of it, but it meant so much to him – he sees us as his parents. His life was going down a particular path and he was attractive to local gangs because of his stature, but he managed to turn things around.
“He’s 19 now and in the army. He’s not academic at all – he failed all his exams – but he’s working his way up through the ranks and he’s done it all through determination and hard work.We’re really proud of him. We’re currently fostering an 11-year-old and a 14-year-old and he’s fantastic with them, too. They look up to him and he tells them ‘Listen to my Dad, he knows what he’s talking about’.”
Great lives
Over the years, Alan and his wife have looked after 11 foster children, all teenagers and nearly all boys. Alan smiled as he said:
“It’s not how we thought it would work out at the start. We thought we’d be caring for little children but instead, we’ve fostered teens who are often angry with the world and who can easily gravitate towards gangs and drugs. But it’s been fantastic and we’re really good at what we do and the kids we’ve cared for have gone on to have great lives.”
Seeing the world through their eyes
So, how have they achieved such great results? Alan puts it down to a few basic, but fundamental principles:
“I don’t ever nag them. I talk to them on their level, using their language. If they’re upset, I won’t say ‘How are you feeling?’, I’ll say something like ‘What’s happening, lad?’ I try and see the world through their eyes. All relationships are built on trust; we all like people who are like us and teenagers are just the same. I use humour to build rapport with them, I don’t make things too serious. I’m honest and I get to the point and make sure they know they won’t ever get into trouble for telling the truth. They need direction and they need honesty. I’ve asked the foster children who are now adults if I could have done anything differently and they’ve said no, it’s all good.”
A sense of power and purpose
Alan has a degree in Psychology but says he’s learned more from fostering than he ever did from his studies:
“I reiterate positive things to them again and again because it seeps into the subconscious – they start to understand that they can achieve anything if they put their mind to it. I love the kids who come to us, I never have any issues with them. I tell them it’s not their fault that they’re in care but what happens now is their responsibility. This gives them the power and a sense of purpose and once you do that they have something they can build on. I call them and us the Tiger Chi. I tell them ‘You can’t mess with the Tiger Chi!”
Investing in their future
Alan believes the essential qualities for foster carers include empathy, resilience, understanding and humour. He said:
“Children like these need foster carers who have energy and passion and who genuinely care. If you put enough energy into something it changes. We can change the lives of these young people. I see it as an investment – I’m investing in them and their future, I’m not simply a professional doing a job. I’m doing it because I care and I want them to win.”
