Seeing a foster child blossom and thrive under your care is a special feeling. We know that people who foster children have a lot of love to give – and that this love is reciprocated by the foster child.
Many foster children do remain in long-term fostering placements with the same carer, even though fostering isn’t officially a ‘permanent solution’ in cases when a child will need a foster family for years. Adoption is the only permanent arrangement.
With this in mind, let’s unpack some of the uncertainties and realities of fostering when compared to adoption.
Sarah Jane Leydon is a Carer Recruitment Officer for one of our independent fostering agencies, Fostering Solutions North West. She supports potential foster carers in Manchester and the surrounding areas, at the stage when they’re considering applying to become a foster carer.
National Fostering Group is not an adoption agency. However, it’s a topic that Sarah Jane and many of our teams talk about regularly.
“People come to the decision to foster or adopt a child by many routes and for many reasons,” she said. “Some potential foster carers were in care themselves and want to help children who find themselves in the same situation. Others want to give back to society by helping vulnerable children. Also, some people have no children of their own and want to be a mum or dad or want to add to their family.
“At this early stage, they still might be asking themselves whether they want to foster or adopt. From our perspective, we want foster carers – there’s a national shortage, around 8,000 children are waiting for a foster family.
“But we still have to discuss adoption so that they understand the difference. It’s an important stage of the process and helps them make an informed decision – the right decision for them.”
Sarah Jane has been through the adoption process herself – she has an adopted child, as well as two stepchildren. Being an adoptive parent and working in fostering gives her a clear perspective on both sides.
“A friend made a documentary film about young offenders and the inadequacy of the prison system [see remand fostering]. I thought, children need families and a good start. I was approved as a foster carer for respite care. And then many years later I chose to adopt, for many reasons.”
Some potential foster carers will ask about adoption during the home visit but many don’t, even if they’re wondering if it’s something that they want to do.
They might think to themselves, ‘This is my child’ and they want to help and they love them to bits. But the reality is that fostering is looking after someone else’s child.
“They might feel shy about bringing it up – after all, we’re not an adoption agency,” Sarah Jane said. “But we all need to know where we’re at, with no pressure. We want all our fostering placements to have great outcomes for the foster child. If a foster carer is hooked on the idea of adoption, it could be a problem down the line.
“They might think to themselves, ‘This is my child’ and they want to help and they love them to bits. But the reality is that fostering is looking after someone else’s child. This child has a birth family that can’t be pushed out of the picture. They have a history, memories – good and bad – which can’t be brushed under the carpet.”
Assessing social workers and carer recruitment officers like Sarah Jane engage prospective foster carers in a sensitive exploration of why they want to become a foster carer. They also talk through the challenges of fostering, the main one being the legacy of trauma.
“Most children coming into care have experienced abuse and chronic neglect,” she said. “How each child deals with this is different. What we look for are foster carers who show compassion. They don’t expect gratitude for their efforts or for the child to forget their bad experiences.
There’s a significant difference between parenting your own children and looking after a foster child using therapeutic fostering techniques.
“There’s a significant difference between parenting your own children and looking after a foster child using therapeutic techniques. Maybe this is why some people think they’ll prefer adoption over fostering – they want to be a parent.
“However, children who have suffered abuse and neglect need therapeutic care. And sadly, adopted children have been through the same experiences.”
Therapeutic-led care (TLC) is sometimes called therapeutic fostering in this context. Most foster children need care-givers who have a specific set of skills; this is because the majority of foster children have experienced trauma and abuse at a young age.
TLC training, which is free (like all our training), gives foster carers the tools to handle challenging behaviours, to play therapeutically, learn to spot moments of connection, and let the child lead the play. “TLC teaches foster carers how to help the children in their care feel safe, start healing, and eventually thrive,” said Sarah Jane.
“Some children don’t know how to play or play angrily. Your response is critical. It might be a parent’s instinct to say ‘no’ but a trained foster carer will sit back and let it play out in a safe environment to help them process feelings or memories.”
TLC teaches foster carers how to help the children in their care feel safe, start healing, and eventually thrive.
Unlike foster carers, who are offered a high level of financial and emotional support, adoptive parents have comparatively much less to fall back on.
“A well-funded fostering agency is able to provide support and training. The Adoption Support Fund can be a lifeline for therapeutic care, but the local authority has to apply for it on the child’s behalf and many adopters don’t know it exists or how to access it.
“The bottom line is that if you don’t have the support or the skills to care for a child with early trauma, it can be a miserable place. You won’t be able to cope unless you’re incredibly resilient. This is why we take foster carer support seriously.
“People think love makes all the difference – and it does! You can have really good outcomes. But love isn’t everything, especially when looking after a foster child with complex requirements. You need skills, a toolkit, a support network, which a well-funded fostering agency will give you.”
A third of adoptions are in crisis or failing. Children whose adoptions fall through or fail return to foster care. It’s often the case that they can’t return to their original foster carer, who might have another foster placement by then.
However, they will be matched to a foster carer who can give them what they need to get through this difficult time, and onwards. While it’s heart-breaking that the child has endured yet another let-down, well-funded therapeutic foster care offers an excellent outcome.
“Foster carers make an amazing difference to children,” said Sarah Jane. “We had a toddler whose middle-aged foster parents worked wonders. Her behaviour had been aggressive and chaotic but she felt safe and loved with them and was transformed. The day she was adopted, her foster parents went on a cruise holiday – maybe to find space to grieve.
Her adoption failed within a fortnight because she reverted back to her traumatised behaviours and her adopted parents couldn’t cope. Her foster parents got a call.
“Her adoption failed within a fortnight because she reverted back to her traumatised behaviours and her adoptive parents couldn’t cope. Her foster parents got a call. Their daughter, who was their nominated support, moved into the family home so the toddler could come back immediately.
“When they walked through the door with their suitcases, the little girl shouted ‘Nanna!’ and ran to her. She now has a certificate of permanence, saying she can live with them until she is 18 or 21, whenever she’s ready.”
Aidan, the young man who recently appeared in our fostering film, had endured 5 failed foster placements and a failed adoption by the time he was 11 years old. He was matched with Geoff and Stephen, where he found his sense of trust and family.
“All three of them felt strongly that they were a family,” said Sarah Jane. “They felt so strongly that they went back to Fostering Panel for a certificate of permanence. They’ve got this displayed at home, they’re very proud of it.”
Fostering a child is challenging, but with the support of our wider fostering family, it’s one of the most rewarding roles there is.
Jayne and Ken, a fostering couple, sum it up: “Fostering for us has been the most rewarding thing that we have done apart from having our own children. We have fostered all ages and have moved children onto adoption and also provided support to families when children have returned home.
The rewards of what we do are huge and it enables us to work with a caring range of professionals in order to provide loving forever homes for children.
“The rewards of what we do are huge and it enables us to work with a caring range of professionals in order to provide loving forever homes for children. Working for National Fostering Group provides us with 24/7 support and extensive training to enable us to provide the best care.”
They’re not alone: throughout our website, you’ll see genuine quotes from many of our foster carers, as well as supervising social workers and foster children whose lives have been transformed.
Fostering Solutions and our other independent fostering agencies around the UK are recruiting new foster carers – there are around 8,000 foster children in need of a home, and not enough foster carers nationally to cope. Can you help?
We welcome applications from people of all ethnic, cultural and religious backgrounds, physical abilities and the LGBT+ community. You can be single, married, a homeowner or a tenant. Your ability to care for and nurture a child is what really matters.
If you’d like to discover more about your suitability, try our quick Can I Foster? tool or, if you’d like a chat now, get in touch.
